How does one overcome a traumatic childhood?
I have what the doctors call a "personality disorder". I can go from being calm and collective one minute to being full of anger and rage the next. And it doesn’t seem like it takes much to set me off. I don’t like a tough guy image. I don’t like for people to be afraid of me. It makes me feel like mabe I am crazy cause everyone seems to be afraid of what I might do. All I want to do is live a normal life and be successful at my goals. I am a talented musician and a pretty good athlete. Playing sports does seem to help me release some anger. But only for a short time. If I’m in a position where I have time to think. I can have one of those angry outbursts. I try to think positive. But it seems like sense I grew up in a violent and perverted environment its like my mind has been trained to think this certain way and I can’t seem to change the way my mind thinks. I want to change! But it is definately not easy. I wish it was! This is the type of thing abuse can cause in someone.
Wow, it sounds like you have been through quite a lot in your life, and are re-living it in your daily actions. Unresolved hurt does manifest itelf through anger or depression (which is anger turned inward), or self-inflicted pain, even pain to others we care about.
So, have you seen a therapist? If so, how long did you go? Did you really do your homework as far as what the Therapist may have recommended you do (writings, prayer, positive affirmations, confronting your abusers, etc.)? Not every therapist will work for you. It is like a relationship, you may have to go through several before you find the right "fit".
I too lived a childhood that was so horrific, you would think it was untrue. The things my parents did were unimaginable. They died when I turned 16. However, my brothers and I were left to drag the baggage of all they had done to us.
The good news is that you have a choice. You can chose to live as a victim to all that has happened in your past, or, instead, you can get some therapy, work on your issues, and rise above that. Listen, those who hurt you may have had the power at the time, however, why keep giving them the power? If you remain angry, bitter and hurtful to yourself and others, you just allow those people that hurt you to keep hurting you, yet, you carry the weapon in your hands this time. I vowed I’d not give them the satisfaction.
It is like an alcoholic who gets mad at someone and goes to a bar to drink it off, they go to "drink at them". They get stinking drunk because they are so angry, but ultimately, who are they hurting? They only hurt themself.
Evidently you want help. I hope you will be proactive and really seek some counseling. There are many well trained Therapists out there that can work with you. Don’t be afraid to "interview" them first either. Ask them how many people they have counseled that have experienced similar issues. Ask them thier success rate? Ask them if they themselves have experienced any of those same issues and how they overcame them?
Let go of being a "tough guy". In the end, you only succeed in keeping away those people who could ultimately love and accept you regardless of your past.
Love yourself first MOST OF ALL!
Good luck. Trust me, it can be done. I lived it. I live it still everyday, but made the choice years ago to slay my dragons. You can too!
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